I don’t even know which one is me, anymore.
Introvert, lover, man, husband, coward.
I have spent so long being afraid, I don’t know how not to anymore. Afraid of life, of dying. Afraid of success and failure. Of work and no work. Afraid of winning and losing. I am afraid of gaining what I wish for, and not having it.
I’m afraid of things happening and not happening. I am afraid of things that might happen, in all their varied complexities. I’m afraid of being afraid and not being afraid. I am afraid of the past and of the present; and of the future. I’m meant to be a Christian, I’m meant to be a man, a husband, and elder son. I am afraid of responsibility.
Kim and I went to a wedding recpetion on Friday night. A great night as had by all. the bride and groom looked fabulous. I was afraid. We left a couple of hours afrter arriving. I thought that it wold not affect anyone; but it did.
It affected Kim, I let her down. It affected the bride. she noticed we had gone. how could she notice that we had gone? With so much going on, and so may people all over the place.
I am nothing and no-one. I am not anything special. Yet people tell me that I help. That I provide comfort and advice. People notice what I do. I try to hide, and yet people notice. Who am I? What am I?
Sometimes I want to speak out about things. When I see wring-doing, error. When I see that things could be diferent, better. But I don’t want the contention. I don’t want to be the centre of attention. How can I help, how can I make a difference if I don’t know who I am?
I try to think and say that I don’t care what people think about me. But I do. I worry about what they think and say. I worry abouthow I am seen by others. Am I weak, lazy, unworthy. Can I trust what others think or say? I find it so difficult to acept that people will say something nice about me. I feel such a failure.
I am not a dad – and I wanted to be. I have never been able to save money. Even now Kim and I have no savings. What are we going to do when we retire? I have never had any confidence in myself. I constantly feel that Kim is going to leave me, because I’m so hopeless. I’m such a fraud. I wish I could do so much for her, and I can’t. I am unable to do anything good. I am such a failure.
What do I have to show that I am? What can I point to that says, “Here is David”? Is there a point to continuing wih this life? Will anyone actualy miss me? Then again, I don’t have the balls to take my own life. I don’t have the balls to do much. Such is my fear. My insecurity. People must look at me and think, “Well he hasn’t made anything with his life.”
When will I make my next mistake? When will I fail again? When will I end up on the street? Wen will I be found out?
I cannot do anything. I am no good at anything. i am a coward, a failure. I live in fear. I live in a panic at times. I have had enough.